Work should be the forefront... but I just hung up the phone feeling disheartened again. I hate begging people for
a chance. Before starting my work I checked my email’s, only to find the one from Erma Bombeck - you know the one she wrote after she knew she was dying..... That was it!
I had to write for me - not work... I need to vent to something... I always feel good when
I beat the keyboard.
So much of my life - the past three years to be exact - has been spent in a whirl wind
of rushing, tension, disappointment, trying to get refocused and getting nowhere. One obstacle after another... with an endless
array waiting in the wings. Going on feels futile. I am feeling the pains at this very moment. I am tired. On the 23rd
I will officially be 45 years old... and I am tired! Is this middle age? Is this what I have heard about? I guess I won’t
know till I’m in my 90's looking back. I can wait.
Still my life has seemed to pass by. My get rich schemes
have only succeeded in stealing the richness of my life. And guess what? There are no returns, no do-overs... you can’t
buy back time. As much as I have a dream - this thought of what I want to be when I grow up - I can’t keep
running this race. I don’t see my family, my friends, hardy spend time with my kids, don’t get out in nature,
haven’t wrote till a few days ago, stopped playing my guitar, forget drawing or photography... never seem to do anything
fun... or go anywhere... or have quiet peaceful moments..... Boy, I’m depressing..........
Funny this
dog - the one I didn’t want to get, the one that we had for only 4 days and is now in the hospital - stopped
me in my tracks. I spent the first day cuddling her and the next in a writing frenzy, pouring out all the thoughts in my mind.
I had to! My brain was burning, overloaded with things I did not want to forget or loose. Toots slept besides me as I did.
Now she is at the Vets until healthy, and I can’t wait till she gets back so I have a viable excuse to
once again stop this madness I call ‘my life’.
I laughed more in those few days with Toots in this
house than I have in a long time. Charlee wholeheartedly acknowledged this fact. ‘You were happy with her!?’
This was a big surprise to her since I fought so hard against getting a dog, or any pet. "You smiled
so much?!’
I am tired of hearing myself complain. I am tired of having so much to complain about. Now
I am trying to figure out how to live out of a paper bag. That shouldn’t cost much?! Right??
Have I hit
my limit?
A wonderful thought was passed by me recently... "You can only push one wheel barrel at a time."
Such a terrific analogy... Now which wheel barrel do I get rid of?